Fear conquered

Had an interesting experience last week. Went to a rock climbing gym and took their intro course. Such an endeavor calls up a number of my fears. Heights, social interaction, looking like an idiot, etc. etc.

But I went anyway, cause I've been ranting at Sarah so much about facing fears and I don't actively TRY to be a hypocrite, so...

I went.

And every time some fear popped up in my head, I just pushed it away. I dismissed it. I said to myself, "I'm not obligated to follow through with non-productive thoughts," and I turned my attention back to what I was doing.

There was something in my head that kept saying that I was not facing my fear, that I wasn't being honest in the way I went about it, but you know what? That's a bunch of bullshit. I went. I exposed myself as a rank beginner. I put on the rental shoes and strapped into the genitalia scrunching harness. I listened to the instructor. I did what I was told. I ignored the cooler folks arrayed around me, hop, skipping and jumping up the wall, and I did what I could do. I climbed.

And it was seriously fucking fun.

John 1 - Fear 0

Clearly, I have many fear issues, because it seems that I'm afraid of this blog...

Okay, John, point taken. I can see why you say that our fears are best allayed when confronted head-on with a trusted friend, spoken aloud and heard, and thus, dispelled into vapor. Maybe finding that person who can mirror our feelings is trickier than it sounds, and even when we find that person, he or she can only say or do so much.

I do agree that we all share similar-to-exactly-the-same fears. What we do NOT all share is the same perspective on those fears, nor do we all share the same self-realization of our fears. There are many people out there in the world that just don't dwell on their thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears. They march on through life, all action and little thought. And you know, you just can't talk to those people. They look at you like you're nuts, and when they look at you like that, you start to feel nuts.

Of course, there are plenty of people at the other end of the spectrum too, that think and ponder and worry and wade through self discovery, and they like to talk about it, too, but, well, they can only stand to talk to you about your shit for so long, and then they want to move on, and they desperately wish that you would move on as well. They have depth, they think about their thoughts and feelings and emotions, and they just don't want to dwell on yours for too long.

So, yeah, I could find someone who could say, "Yeah, I hear that," who would bolster my confidence and make me feel good, but the fact of the matter is...for me...one conversation just isn't going to make it all better. Saying it aloud doesn't release its hold on me. I wish. No, I need revisiting, reminders, and rehashing. (Well, I think I do.)

And who wants to deal with that? It gets old! My people have every right to be sick of my shit! I run the same cycles over and over again, and it's boring! It's irritating, it's self-indulgent, it's enough already!

And then, I realize that I am being repetitive and dull and...[yawn] who cares? And that thought smacks me right between the eyes, and I'm back to feeling low. Silly and pathetic. Buried under six feet of insecurities...

And here I am, back to where I began: I am the only one who can face my fears. Because in the end, no one will break this cycle...except me.

Fear IV

Sarah says:

"Our fears are private, and if we choose to reveal them to someone, we feel exposed and raw. Regardless, though, of whether or not we let anyone into our inner sanctum of flawed psyche, we alone are responsible for overcoming. We alone fight the battles, and we alone congratulate ourselves when we win one.

Possibly, for me, it's the alone part that scares me the most."

I'm not sure why (I do recognize a kernel of truth here), but I disagree with this. Or rather, I think this approach, this solo romp through the abrading, dark and lonely wilderness, is exactly wrong.

Loneliness. Darkness. The unkown. These are the tall pillars of the Temple of Fear.

And the only way to dispel them and vanquish fear is to drag your fears into the light of day, share them with other people, solicit input. Name the beast and steal its power. That sort of thing.

It's all very Dungeons and Dragons, innit?

Truthfully, I can tell you that every fear I've named, that I've discussed with another person, has lost its spell on me. Every. Single. One.

Because, I believe, we all have more or less the same fears. It's clinging to exceptionalism that keeps us in that solipsistic nightmare. Once you concede that neither you nor your fears are special, they recede into the distance. Once you ask other people how they dealt with those same fears, you gain the perspective you need to move on. This is the stuff of support groups and advice columns and close confidantes and trusted siblings or parents or spouses. This is what it is to be alive and participating.

A long time ago I heard the Churchill line, "All we have to fear is fear itself," and I thought, "Well, what the fuck does that mean?" Now, I see it so clearly. Fear itself is the thing making the darkness so dark. Fear itself is what keeps us lonely and isolated.

I won't pretend to have conquered all my fears. Half the time I'm only dimly aware that I'm afraid of something. The clearest clue I get in adulthood is anger. If something is making me angry, there's an extremely good chance that I'm simply afraid of it.

And once I've identified, I think I'm duty-bound to walk through the fear and move on. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

I'll leave off now, while I'm still buying my own line on this one.

Fear III

It was my idea, this subject of fear, which would imply that I had much to say on the subject. However, like John said, the task has become daunting. In avoidance of becoming too self-indulgent with my ramblings, I have become almost completely mute on the subject.

Odd. Odd because in reality, fear is one of my biggest issues. Along with guilt and insecurity, I embody the trifecta of basic human, emotional problems. And they are all made up in my head.

So I looked up the definition of fear, and, paraphrased, it is the emotional reaction of anxiety, agitation, or concern that we generate when encountered with a threat, real or imagined.

Real or imagined...I suspect that the imagined threats are the most profound ones. Real threats are understood, and reactions to them predictable. But the threats we make up in our heads cause us to act, react, or not act every day.

Could not fear, then, be one of the greatest motivators in our lives? Does not fear dictate our next maneuver? Can we not boil it all down to some fear: fear of death, fear of growing old, fear of change, fear of staying the same, fear of confrontation and anger, fear of losing friends, fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability, fear of...?

At least, that's how it is for me. And the funny thing about it is, if and when I do conquer a fear, it goes unnoticed, uncongratulated, unacknowledged - because it was my fear that I made up in my own head. No one else saw the problem I was having, nor did anyone even have an inkling that there could have or should have been a problem. I just finally did what I needed to do.

Our fears are private, and if we choose to reveal them to someone, we feel exposed and raw. Regardless, though, of whether or not we let anyone into our inner sanctum of flawed psyche, we alone are responsible for overcoming. We alone fight the battles, and we alone congratulate ourselves when we win one.

Possibly, for me, it's the alone part that scares me the most.

Fear II

Why is it that I can write about God ad infinitum, but I find the topic of fear so daunting?

Fear has been operative in my life at all the crucial junctures. When I quit drinking (coming up on 17 years sober, thanks), I remember the fear switch flipping from too-afraid-to-quit to too-afraid-to-die. I've feared being different from everyone else, and I've feared being the same as everyone else. I've feared letting people know me, and I've feared being unknown.

Fear is what? Air?

Fear is a way to describe a feeling, a discomfort. I used to feel uncomfortable all the time, so I drank to remove that feeling. It didn't help. In the end, fear help me move on.

When I've moved forward in my life, it's been by doing things I'm afraid of. But then, my fear has often saved me from injuring myself, like in traffic, in my bicycle, in the city.

Fear is what? Information?

Is fear the dark side of hope? And how quickly I can toggle between the two.

FEAR

Fear is one facet of our flawed and complicated human nature. We humans have myriad issues that we contend with on a regular basis, but fear is a recurring emotion. If fear were classified as genus in the family of human nature, then insecurity would be a species...

The other day, in an email, John mentioned that I am insecure. (He wasn't being mean.) It wasn't the first time I had heard that, either. It's true; I am. I have an annoying habit of making an assertion, and then quickly retracting it, or qualifying it, or apologizing for it. I believe that it is borne out of fear. I am afraid of being wrong when I was sure I was right, or stupid when I thought I was being funny. I am afraid of sticking my foot in my mouth in a spate of nervous verbal diarrhea, or of appearing arrogant when I'm really just trying to be confidant. I am afraid...ah, hell, it's a long, dull list.

And I don't think I am the only one who has this issue. Most people I know are insecure about something. I don't blame John for pointing it out; his reasoning is sound. Why would I be insulted? Our friends want the best for us, don't they? Fact is, it's good to have someone call bullshit on us.

So why do we have little pockets of insecurity tucked away in our consciences, only to reveal themselves at odd and unwelcome moments, like...roaches? Or political pundits?

These little insecurity roaches are our worst little personal fears. These small yet powerful fears are deeply embedded in our psyches, deposited like little roach eggs, waiting to hatch and scramble around making everything feel dirty. And while I believe that I or anyone else could dig down and find where these little eggs were laid, it really doesn't do us any good to do that. At some point, there was incubation and hatching, and now, as adults, we must deal with the full-grown dirty little roaches.

Unfortunately, I have not yet found a magic fumigator to rid myself of all my roaches. And alas, just as I think I've just about stomped one of the little suckers flat, I discover that it's gone and laid a few more eggs that are just hatching! This is maddening, an ongoing battle, but the upside is that we have our friends and our loved ones to yell out, "EEK! A roach! Kill it!" And with any luck, you'll get the little sucker, or maybe that friend or loved one will join you in the attack and help you smash the little buggers until you are pest-free.

Alternatively, our enemies are prone to just shine light on our little roach-fears, causing them (or us) to scurry into the dark corners, only to emerge again later, fatter and feistier. This isn't helpful, and it isn't done out of love.

Thank God for friends that want to help you stomp those little suckers, and a pox upon the enemies that just want to expose them. Perhaps our collective consciousness should be our guide to understand that we all share similar fears, to varying degrees, and we should surround ourselves with people who want to help us stomp them out, to mutual benefit.

God, Part V

Here's what I think. Me = me. God = not me.

Which is to say, that as far as I know, everything that's not me is probably god. It's that whole yin and yang, self and other. In as much as everything in the 'other' basket has some influence on me that is beyond my control, it must be god.

But let's run down the god checklist, just to make sure:

1) Is it all powerful?

Yeah. Prolly. At least as far as I'm concerned, it is, since it encompasses all the powers that I don't have and all the ones I have also.

2) Does it move in mysterious ways?

Hell yes. Half the time I can't find my ass with both hands. When I figure 'everything' out, I'll drop you a line.

3) Are its familial relations a perplexing mess?

Uh huh. Like the Beverly Hillbillies. Um...actually, no...not LIKE the Beverly Hillbillies. The Beverly Hillbillies. And the royal families of Europe.

4) Is it beautiful?

Yeah. Sometimes you have to cock your head funny, but yeah.

Yup, passes the god test.